Why Can’t Men and Women Be Friends?

Not too long ago, one of my favorite seminary professors wrote an article for Christianity Today, titled, “Why Can’t Men Be Friends?’ Although the context for that article was different, I remember thinking to myself, the article should have been the other way around, “Why Can’t Men and Women Be Friends?” because that’s one of the biggest hurdles to women participating as equals with men in ministry.

I wanted my former seminary professor’s topic to be different because since my inception in ministry at leadership levels, I have wrestled with the problems that keeping the genders apart and at arms length from each other creates for successfully representing the Gospel.

In the last days of Jesus’ life and ministry on earth, a dramatic shift occurred in His ministry. The dynamics of leadership shifted and suddenly, God, the Son, omnipotent, omniscient, deigned to call mere mortals ‘His friends,’

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” John 15: 15.

A shift occurred based on Jesus’ confidence that His disciples knew enough about His Father’s business and were now just as much as committed to the Kingdom Mission as He was. History proves Him right as we see the commitment and price the disciples paid to be faithful to the cause of Christ.

For Jesus, it mattered only that His disciples could be fully ‘entrusted’ with the Gospel message. Yet for those who polarize the genders, it matters not that the Holy Spirit has ‘equally’ entrusted women called to ministry at leadership levels with the same Gospel message as men (Matthew 28:1-10; 1 Cor. 12:1-11).

Jesus’ criteria was the love and commitment of those called to participate with Him in His Father’s work. So much so that when His disciples tried to create factions and disunity among the workers of the Kingdom because some were not as close to Jesus as they (the twelve) were, He disagreed,

“ “Teacher,” said John, “we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.” “Do not stop him,” Jesus said. “For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us.” Mark 9:38-40).

Full inclusion, as long as you were committed to and loved the Triune God and His Mission. That was Jesus.

Yet, this is not the same example/practice carried on in the church. Jesus’ model is not honored.

Many arguments have been raised supporting the exclusion of women from ministry and therefore friendship with their male counterparts, not minding the fact that these are people that Jesus has included as ‘His friends’ by virtue of the distributive work of the Holy Spirit in their lives and their ensuing responses.

Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her. (John 20:18)

The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. (John 20:25a-b).

What is detrimental to all this exclusion of ministry females from friendships with ministry males, is that it prevents ‘full humanity’ for which Christ died, from participating in the call to ‘friendship with God.’ Despite qualifying for friendship with God, opponents of female church leadership have refused to allow this other half of humanity stand alongside them and show to the world just who Jesus’ ‘friends’ are!

Yet, Christ knowing that the Kingdom Mission could only be successfully promoted and achieved by those whose relationships reflected the harmonious unity of the Triune God, bridged that gap that otherwise could never be bridged by removing the greatest hurdle of all – the hitherto, unsurpassable heirarchy hurdle between deity and humans – and thus equalized our (His and ours) origins. So that neither ‘origins’ nor ‘nature’ should any more dictate who was in and who was out. The only exclusion would be based on those who rejected Christ.

When I consider all the reasons why females are excluded from the ‘full’ fellowship with their male counterparts in ministry, I wonder if those who perpetuate this exclusion fear that females have not ‘truly accepted Christ.’ That perhaps, in some way, women are receptacles of sin, unsuitable for fellowship and relationship with their male counterparts and therefore with Christ.

Although we are about one centimeter past that particular event now, a male colleague once gave me this answer in response to my query at being excluded from the bonds of fellowship,

The Bible says to maintain fellowship with the brethren, not the sisteren.

Considering that I was neither in a humorous mood nor was anyone else laughing, not even he, I still can’t decide if he was serious or not. It would be too incongruous to even think he was serious!

Another time, I was at a church-planting conference in which the host proudly declared to couple hundreds (made up of males and females) in the break-out session, that one of the secrets to his success in ministry was that no females constituted the make up of either his advisory board or close interactions!

So this is the question, if there is such a fear of being ‘friends’ with women whom Jesus would not have been afraid to be friends with and whom the Holy Spirit invites into ‘friendship’ with Jesus by revealing all things about Jesus to them as equally to the men, what is the faction against ‘full’ inclusion and fellowship ‘with’ women trying to say? That women are ungodly? Unholy? Unfit to come near Christ? Probably yes, after all one of the Church fathers, Thomas Aquinas, is recorded to have said, “Woman is defective and misbegotten.” Well-respected church father and theologian, Augustine of Hippo, also greatly helped ingrain this teaching of unsuitability of women for close fellowship with men into the church. A situation that starkly contrasts that of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

One of my favorite passages (and from which I preached this past Sunday) is Mark 9:24-35, which talks about the woman with the issue of blood. It is interesting that according to Jewish culture and laws, this woman was not even supposed to be near any human being for the duration of her condition. No wonder she trembled when Jesus asked “Who touched me?” She had broken a Jewish ritual law and was therefore deserving of consequences. Yet, Jesus, truly the God Who promises to draw near those who draw near Him (James 4:8), recognized and ‘honored’ the faith by which she ‘drew near’ Him. And instead of punishment, she received commendation, healing and license to interact with others – she’d been cured of her ‘unclean’ state which hitherto had kept her apart from others who were ‘clean.’ (What is interesting is that according to Jewish law, even men could be ‘unclean’ by virtue of any discharge. Therefore, demonstrating God’s equitable standard for ‘all’ humanity.).

So my question is “What uncleanness do women possess and which justifies the current ministry practices of keeping the genders apart and at arm’s length from and non-fellowship with the other half of humanity? 

Yet in Christ, all our (male + female) uncleanness have been washed away and just like the woman with the issue of blood, we (male + female) are now free to interact with others and with one another.

As a fervent believer and respecter of John 17:20-23, I fully believe that the ‘oneness’ that Jesus prays for in this passage includes the relationship between his male and female disciples, not just among the males.

I would therefore submit, along with the many others who have done so before me, that a full revelation of Jesus Christ to the world, requires full love, fellowship and friendship between His male and female disciples.